Chemo 7 Day 1 – Chemo Monday

October 4, 2010

Well, here it is again….Chemo Monday. Time seems to have slowed down for these months since I started chemo that is except for the weekends just before chemo which rush past in a flash as I determinedly try to block the looming chemo from my mind. The dread I feel is difficult to describe. It is much worse than anything else I have experienced – worse than final exams at university and worse than my driving test….  

Before I started chemo I greedily read blogs where others described their experiences with chemo and was really surprised when they described how they started feeling nauseous on chemo-day BEFORE they went to the hospital. I put them down as being hysterical – it was total nonsense – or so I thought. I feel nauseous as I write this. During the weekend if the thought broke through my mental barrier I felt nauseous and I know it will get worse now as I drive to the hospital.

Usually I am a very rational person so I don’t much like that I have this seemingly irrational reaction, so I have thought a lot about it, and my conclusion is that it really isn’t that irrational after all. I put it down to the incredible power of the brain. I believe my brain has intuitively figured out that chemo is bad news – it puts my body under attack. Unfortunately this intuitive reaction doesn’t seem to be able to accommodate the idea that it is for a good cause, so my brain rebels – “chemo is bad news so if we make Kirsten feel sick she won’t take it”. This is not much fun because Kirsten really knows that not taking the chemo is worse news, so not only do I have to have the chemo and put up with the side effects, I also have to put up with the pre-chemo reaction!

So here I sit on Chemo Monday morning trying to pretend that everything is OK! I’ve had my breakfast and now I won’t eat or drink anything other water until a couple of hours after chemo because I have learned that anything I eat or drink in connection with chemo later brings on a violent nauseous reaction if I just think about it! In half an hour I will take my anti-nausea medication (3 different kinds) plus my anti-gout medication so that they have time to kick in before my appointment at 10am.

Today I have the added anxiety that I am now without catheter so am going to have to put up with the “search for the vein”. I have developed a bit of a trauma about this after my 10 days in hospital – my veins are difficult to find and generally pathetic and give up quickly so the whole business is really unpleasant for me AND stressful for the nurses. Plus it is generally much more unpleasant to get my chemo into a vein in my arm – one of the chemicals is very harsh and actually hurts – and takes longer.

So now I am going to go and pack my bag. My book and a magazine, my extra anti-nausea medication in case I need more to get my home and my phone so I can keep in touch with the world! And I am going to keep pretending that I am just going for a little outing and try to fool that brain of mine for a little longer…….

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2 Responses to “Chemo 7 Day 1 – Chemo Monday”

  1. Karin Says:

    Hey, sending you all my thoughts and support today. You are so brave in front of all this, it hink this helps a lot of people (and not least yourself!). One of my friends here in france is going through chemo for breast cancer, I have showed her your blog and she really loved it!

  2. Kirsten Says:

    Thanks Karin – and warm wishes to your friend!
    Kirsten

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