In Albert Camus’ footsteps…

October 31, 2010

Well, it is now 14 days since I had my last chemo and I guess that in fact it is today that is really the last day – at least the last day of my last 14 day chemo cycle! For the most part I’m feeling good – and am really enjoying my weekend without the dread of having to head off for more chemo on Monday. The only cloud is that my right hand has decided to go to sleep… I don’t think I have mentioned the tingling in my hands and feet which I’ve had for a while (there have been so many side-effects I haven’t been able to mention them all!) but this has now developed into a full-scale feeling that my right hand is asleep. This particular side effect is due to the chemo affecting the nerve system. I’m quite annoyed that this has come up so late in the process and have my fingers crossed (at least I think I have!) that it is only going to be temporary.

Yesterday I went out for a longish (10 km) run in the forest. It was a lovely autumn day, yet there weren’t very many people around so for long periods I was completely alone. It was so very, very beautiful that I had to stop and take my time just to look around and soak up the views and I got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Wow, I’ve got tears in my eyes again just writing this. It is so amazing to live is such a beautiful place and it is amazing that I can still run 10km! And it is just wonderful to be alive.

I have a great friend who has, during the last few months, regularly sent me quotes that he thought would inspire, provoke or sometimes just make me laugh. One of these quotes was:

“A man’s work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, 

through the detours of art, 

those two or three great and simple images 

in whose presence his heart first opened.”

Albert Camus

When he sent me this back in August, during a period when the going was very definitely tough, it struck me that while I was enduring chemo I was subconsciously avoiding “art” – and here I am interpreting “art” very loosely as being anything that communicates with/through my emotions. For example I had stopped listening to music (except pop music on the radio which I had on continuously as background noise/distraction). Instead I was anaesthetising myself with rubbish TV and “chick lit”. You don’t really need to be a psychologist to figure that I was avoiding anything that would open my heart or unleash my emotions. I had enough on my plate enduring all the physical stuff.

Yesterday, after my run in the forest, I was thinking about what happened and I realised that I have also, within the last few days, begun to listen to my CDs again!

 You know, Mr. Camus, I think I may have recommenced my trek…….


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s