For now….

December 30, 2010

One more day left of 2010 and I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m rather glad to see the back of it. However, as I sit here on the cusp of a new year, it isn’t regrets about the year about to end that dominate my thoughts and feelings, but happiness, optimism and excitement about the new year about to start.

When I sat facing the Doctor on 17 December as he told me that I was now in full remission he quickly added “of course I can’t guarantee that it (i.e. Hodgkins) won’t come back”. He’s got to say it. But actually it didn’t feel like a bucket of cold water, as I might have expected. Rather I thought to myself “well, none of us have any guarantee that we won’t get ill or have terrible things happen to us, but for now I am healthy and that is good enough for me”.

I’ve thought a lot about this idea of “for now” since then and I think it is a pretty damn good life philosophy to have. You will never ever get me to say that I am glad that I got cancer, but there are some lessons I’ve learned in the last year that are a real gift and “for now” is one of them. I do realise that there is a risk that the Hodgkins will come back or that I get some other illness as a result of the treatment I have been through – and I have just the same risk as everyone else that other terrible things could happen. And if something like that happens, well, we’ll deal with it. But “for now” I am going to enjoy my life as best as I can.

As the year turns, I’m feeling better than I have done for months. Once again they showed they know what they are talking about at the hospital and for a couple of weeks after finishing the radiotherapy I was feeling pretty rotten – sore throat, sore lungs (not helped by the sub-zero temperatures outside), no appetite, my running form worse than during my worst chemo days, and worst of all, feeling totally exhausted. It peaked the day before Christmas Eve and since then I’ve been feeling a bit better every day. Not only that, but I am starting to sleep better and my hot flushes have stopped (only time will tell whether it is because I’m full blown menopausal or whether my system is about to kick start again, but either way I don’t mind, it’s just lovely not to wake up 5 times a night totally drenched in sweat). I do still have problems with my hand which they now suspect  is carpal tunnel syndrome rather than peripheral neuropathy and I am waiting for an appointment to have it investigated.

Oh, and my hair is growing back thick and fast! I’ve even had to trim it around my ears and I don’t think it will be too long before I have enough to be able to go to the hairdresser and have something that actually looks like a hairstyle again!

So, all in all, for now life is very good indeed!

Happy New Year!


2 Responses to “For now….”

  1. Margaret Says:

    ..and Happy New Year to the new you. Your blog is really inspirational – might this style of writing creep into your procurement consulting reports (it would make procurement interesting to the masses). Just back from a three day break in Fort William – went up in the Gondola, views terrific but not able to do anything other than drink tea and eat cake, roll on 17 January (hip op day). The scenery on the way back from Fort William was stunning, the lochs were completely still and the hills were fully reflected, it felt like we were in middle earth looking up and down! There were great patches of fog which provided an eerie atmospheric glow. Of course I had left my camera in Glasgow and am useless on the phone camera so you will just have to take my word re how great it all was. Take care, say hi to Eric and the family.

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